“Hey, Mamarazzi, what would you do if a 19 year old wants to date your 16 year-old daughter?” asked a friend who I greatly admire as a person and parent while we watched the high school football game.
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It took me a minute to think this through since I haven’t faced this situation, but my parental gut reaction was to say, “Ummm, that’s a tricky one, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with it. No dating.”
Then she added, “But, what if he’s a good kid you’ve known for a while?”
This statement made me rethink my answer, but I still said, “Nope, I would tell them they can be friends, go out in a group, or hang out at our house while we’re home.”
Unfortunately, even teens in the safest small town is not immune to the sex bug. Sadly, we recently saw one of our neighborhood boy’s face all over the news because he’s being accused of rape – he’s 18 and the girl is 17. He’s from a good family, very bright, and is a jock.
So, when your minor asks the big question and it hits your unsuspecting ears, “Can I date a 19 year old?” try not to spit out your latte, and think about teen laws and how these apply to you.
(The following is intended to be a sample summary of the laws regarding 18 year olds. You should refer to the complete text of the California Penal Code).
- Part 1. Of Crimes and Punishments –
Title 9. Of crimes against the person involving sexual assault, and crimes against public decency and good morals
+ Chapter 1. Rape, abduction, carnal abuse of children, and seduction. – Section 261.5.
# (a) Unlawful sexual intercourse is an act of sexual intercourse accomplished with a person who is not the spouse of the perpetrator, if the person is a minor. For the purposes of this section, a “minor” is a person under the age of 18 years and an “adult” is a person who is at least 18 years of age.
# (b) Any person who engages in an act of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor who is not more than three years older or three years younger than the perpetrator, is guilty of a misdemeanor.
# (c) Any person who engages in an act of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor who is more than three years younger than the perpetrator is guilty of either a misdemeanor or a felony, and shall be punished by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding one year, or by imprisonment in the state prison.
# (d) Any person 21 years of age or older who engages in an act of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor who is under 16 years of age is guilty of either a misdemeanor or a felony, and shall be punished by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding one year, or by imprisonment in the state prison for two, three, or four years.
On the other hand, it is a tricky situation when these age groups are in the same classrooms sharing lessons and good times. It almost seems unfair to have temptation sitting right across from your child at school — in those skimpy clothes to boot!
It’s also easy to think, “Oh, my kid wouldn’t event think about doing anything inappropriate since we taught him/her to do the right thing”.
The questions is, are you around to make sure he/she knows the consequences of not doing the right thing?
I believe it takes strong parental presence to help kids steer away from the many temptations out there; whether it’s drugs, alcohol or sex, don’t think your town doesn’t have these lures.
Of course, if you’ve been in a public high school lately, you’d notice there is a palpable absence of firm parental guidance in many of our young adolescents today. Two working-parent households, single parenting, absent parenting or helicopter parents, plus a host of other unique circumstances can weaken the sense of security daily parental guidance at home can provide.
“Good citizenship begins at home. Parents and guardians bear the primary responsibility for the actions of their children. They must set good examples for their children at home and in their community, teach morals and values, provide a safe home environment, make sure that their children get a good education, direct their children into constructive activities, be involved in their children's activities, make their children responsible and accountable for their actions, etc.” This is taken from The City of San Diego website under Crime Prevention and Education.
Aggravating an already difficult home situation, is the fact that some parents have decided to become their child’s friend and not the disciplinarian they were meant to be. When did these boundaries disintegrate and why? I'm clearly not a professional, but it would seem to me that parents still have the power to direct the path their children will follow, hopefully right up until before they legally become adults.
For now, my humble piece of advice to you is to stand your ground as a P-A-R-E-N-T, not a friend. Kids have friends at school. What they need at home is guidance, your strong presence, and resolute interest in their well being.
PARENTS: I have four copies to give away of “When you become 18” provided by the State Bar of California.
Leave a comment and ask me to send it you!
Very interesting Suzette! May I have a copy?
Of course you may! I'll hand it to you today. This guide is full of information you would not think affects your “child”, who is in fact an adult at 18 – though we'd like to have them be our little ones for ever, don't we?